Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Last week on Space Quest, the arrival of Admiral Zhukov/Suck-off and Mony, Buff's former stalker from Theapes created some interesting situations for the team.

The Admiral had come to tell the Professor that his relationship with Dot must end or his team would be disbanded. He offered Milk the chance to take the Professor's place, which Milk clearly found tempting….

Following an argument with Admiral Zhukov, Milk handed him a Cyber Fryjibulator and stormed off. The purpose of the mysterious item is not yet known. What did it do to the Admiral? Did it have to do with the long-lost Theapes Treasure Milk wants to locate from Dot's 6th vagina?

Spook wandered the archives, meeting a spirit guide who showed him a glimpse of his future, and "met" his wife, Genevieve, who granted him forgiveness for his terrible past.
He also realized he still loves Talya.

After having erased all of the pages, Milk finally returns Spook's diary. In a suspicious attempt to make nice, Milk then offered his own journal to Spook, although it was refused.

Buff discovered that the Theapes ape who had sent him the drum messages was Mony, his former stalker on Theapes whom he had imprisoned for her obsessive behaviour. Mony invited Buff to create a new Theapes with her and Jakes and Shawnd, apes so stupid Buff feels superior. He realized that despite Mony's craziness he must assist in rebuilding his race. Buff left the Space Quest team reluctantly, feeling torn.

Dot and Talya conspired to kill the Admiral, feeling it was their only chance to stop him.
Dot did research on the Admiral's family life, and realized that his partner Stewart was actually a Xerox copy machine. Spook had returned from the archives to help his BFF and succumbed to his desire for flesh finally, by eating Admiral Zhukov after Talya shot him.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Island in the Sky




Drain Plug



-Talya returned from briefing Admiral Zhukov about the team’s encounter with the Black Hand.

-Still in search of the lost treasure of the destroyed planet Theapes, Milk puts the pressure on Dot and Spook to provide some answers. Talya informs him there is a rare Theapes coin in Dot's 6th vagina.

-Buff hears the instinctual call of his people, The Drums of Theapes!

-Talya installed a minuscule penis on Prof. Smith’s superstructure to facilitate his romance with Dot.

-Spook forces Milk to produce his stolen diary despite his insistence that he had nothing to do with it's disappearance.

-Talya confessed to Prof. Smith that she let slip his relationship with Dot in front of Admiral Zhukov, which may result in charges being laid against the Professor.

-Prof. Smith revealed that he had been responsible for proposing the law limiting the rights of Robots, and outlawing Human/Robot relationships.

-Buff hears a psychedelic message encoded in The Drums that indicates a member of his long extinct race is coming to find him.

-Due to her Taboo relationship with Prof. Smith, Dot decides to import the corpse of Prof. Smith’s long dead wife in order to undergo dangerous surgery that would make her human.

-Talya turned down spooks offer to accompany him on a mission to the Intergalactic Archives, which she seriously regrets.

- Spook recorded a farewell message to the crew as he was transported by the computer into the archives.

Monday, December 3, 2007

It Came From the Furnace




DRAIN PLUG



- Spook announced that he was becoming a vegetarian, no longer intending to consume the flesh of the living, except for baby’s.

-Dot discovered the station’s furnace, Wallace, behaving suspiciously, and determined he was infected with many viruses.

- Spook turned to drinking Smash to cope with his guilt in killing millions. In a drunken stupor Spook revealed to Milk that he had hidden the entire treasury of the planet Theapes on the meteoroid.

-Prof. Smith had a falling out with Wallace, and turned Wallace away due to his disobedience.

-Milk stole Spook's diary in an attempt to understand Spook’s recent depression, and find his hidden treasure.

- Prof. Smith granted Spook access to the archives to retrieve his memory from portions of his lobotomized brain.

-Dot discovered that numerous files had been stolen from the computer’s memory core.

-Milk took a moment to update his online dating profile, focusing on his most attractive feature, his height.

-Wallace tricked Buff into helping him to deliver the teams valuable files into the Black Hand’s black hand.

-Spook, once again in a stupor, revealed to Milk that he had hidden his treasure inside Dot.

Return from the Great Beyond!


DRAIN PLUG

- Milk planned a celebration which, with Dot and Spook’s help, quickly turned into Prof. Smith’s 1156th birthday party.

-Dot implanted a chip in Buff, allowing him to experience the full potential of his evolution.

- Spook contemplated leaving Space Quest, as he came to accept his responsibility in the destruction of Buff’s home world Theapes, the death of his own wife, and the murder of billions of people.

- Dot and Prof. Smith reconciled their feelings for each other, kissing for the first time in their 1000 year relationship.

- Spook, when confronted by Buff about Theapes, offered him his neck,
but was left alive when the ‘evolved’ Buff couldn’t go through with it.

- Prof. Smith accidentally activated the Black Hand’s memories stored in the computer, which caused him to plummet into a severe case of Space Madness!! (space madness)

-In his lucid state, Buff constructed a robot for Prof. Smith, who named him Wallace, and adopted the robot as his son.

-Milk and the ‘evolved’ Buff competed in a contest of wits. Milk narrowly succeeded on a technicality, and Buff reverted to his previous IQ.

-Dot was able to lull Prof. Smith to sleep, there by cleansing his space mad mind.

-Dot and Prof. Smith were able to convince Spook to forget the past and remain a member of the team.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

From the Great Beyond


DRAIN PLUG



- The Black Hand revealed that Spook had only eaten his effeminate clone, and that he still had control over the meteoroid.

-The Crew met with Prof. Smith’s deceased wife Camilla, who had taken up residency in Dot (thanks to the Black Hand), and discovered for themselves what a bitch she truly was\is.

-Milk and Talya designed video dating profiles while denying the possibility that they have feelings for each other.

-Spook “promised” the Professor that he would never eat his brain….

-Buff and Milk confronted the sexual tension in their master/slave relationship.

-Talya and Spook stumbled across information stored by Prof. Smith within Dot’s memory banks, including info on Talya's sister, Spook’s late wife.

- Talya convinced Prof. Smith that without the Dot’s aide there is no way of getting out of the Black Hand’s Big Black Hole.

-Prof. Smith confronted his deceased wife and distracted her with apologies for their troubled past, while Spook was able to re-boot Dot’s original memories and programming.

-Prof. Smith was able to use a portion of the black-clone’s undigested brain to produce the information necessary to escape the Big Black Hole.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

'Lost In Space'



With the Black-Hand's brain eaten, will his reality bending powers wear off? Or will the team be stranded in the distant galactic nether regions of DEEP SPACE!?!!


Drain Plug

The Meteoroid was transported to a neighbouring galaxy, becoming the Play thing of the notorious Black Hand.

Buff and Milk’s slave/master relationship, verges on uncomfortable, as Buff’s feeling toward Milk turn sexual.

Spook pined for Raisin and a good vintage brain. The Black Hand attempted to lure Spook into consuming Prof. Smith’s ancient brain.

Talya, feeling horrible about shutting down Dot actually apologizes for her actions. But Dot, hoping to clear her slate erases all her memories of Prof. Smith.

Talya strikes a deal with Milk, his silence in exchange for a blind date set up through the space-wide web.

Milk struggled with his morality, as he was caught in a heated confrontation between Prof. Smith and the Black Hand.

Talya attempted to over power The Black Hand with her feminine wiles, only to find herself over-sexed by The Hand himself.

Milk although no longer field supervisor, steps up to organizes Buff and Dot in an assault on the Black Hand, which served only as a distraction.

The Black Hand altered Dot’s memory core, changing her personality to that of Prof. Smith’s deceased wife Camilla.

In his distraction The Black Hand did not notice Spook approach from behind, that is, until his brains were consumed by the Zombie.


The Black Hand's Black Hole




Drain Plug

- Talya forced Milk to beam down to the dangerous Klondec Droidite (KD) system on a bogus mission, however Buff came to his aide.

- Milk took Buff on as a voluntary slave in order to guide the confused ape through his difficult evolving process.

-In a tense confrontation with Professor Smith Milk confirmed that he had engaged in an affair with the Professor's late wife.

-SB Dot submitted herself to a full memory erasure because she could no longer see her love for Professor Smith torment him with memories of his past.

-Spook was able to save all of SB Dot's memory before erasure and, then restored it in a touching scene of friendship.

-The Professor announced that there would no longer be team supervisors feeling that the hierarchy had come between them.

-Spook discovered he was responsible for his wife’s death when he was a general who destroyed millions of worlds before his simplification.

-Talya revealed to Spook that he had once been married to her sister.

-The Black Hand left the team a voice mail message indicating the time and place he would instrument their demise!!!

Friday, November 2, 2007

Space Quest: Episode VI


Space Quest Headquarters

Episode VI


Will DOT recover from total reboot? Will the Black Hand succeed in his plot to anihilate the team? Join the crew same space time, new Gas Station! Don't miss the Improv Fest Special!

November 5TH 8pm

The Gas Station Theatre
445 River Avenue
Winnipeg, R3C 0C3
p: 204-284-9477

We are back at The Park Theatre for our november the 12Th show.

Same space time, same space station!!!!


Saturday, September 8, 2007

What is Soap Scum?

Soap Scum is a group of Winnipeg based actors who produce and perform a live improvised soap opera, based on a theme. Guided by a narrator, the cast creates a new unscripted episode each week, in a continuing storyline.


Who are we?

The cast of Soap Scum features performers with a variety of experience in theatre, film, production, music, and improv comedy. Special guest performers are invited throughout each season.

Cast:

Peter Nadolny

David Montebruno

Scott Cranwill

Chantal Marostica

Yanin Gillespie


Sound and Light Production:

Jessica Rose


Dramaturge :

Randy Apostle


Where are we?

Soap Scum performs at the Park Theatre located at 698 Osborne St. Winnipeg, MB.

Contact us at for information at 204-416-1625

Visit our blog site at
http://www.scumsoap.blogspot.com

Facebook site at
http://www.new.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=36691181390

When are performances?

Monday nights at 8:00pm.

Soap Scum’s eagerly anticipated forth season, The Crown Royals, premiers Monday Jan 11th 2008, at 8:00pm and continues each following week at the same time.


How much?

Tickets are $5 at the door, with monthly pass options available.

The Quest Begins

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Friday, August 3, 2007

CruiseBoat - Season One

SOAPSCUM
presents




Season one of SoapScum went extremely well. We had a blast with every episode. Here are the weekly Drainplugs from season one.

MIA - episode one (shout out to Cory do you still have a copy?)

THE DRAIN PLUG

Where Scummers can catch what they missed!



Episode #2

You won't believe what happened on the last CruiseBoat!

While the threat of viral outbreak still looms, and prevents CruiseBoat from docking at its intended port, the mysterious and subtle symptoms of the illness seen to be contained to only one passenger. Spoiled brat...I mean, graceful and charming new ship owner, Ms. Madison Montgomery.

Besides being the carrier of a fatal illness, Ms. Montgomery also celebrated a birthday! "Happy Birthday Ms. Montgomery", could be heard...but it wasn't, since nobody remembered. Although, thoughtful Captain Chairman Frontle did suggest to her that all the ships problems would go away if she was to die...most certainly, happy birthday would have been more appreciated.

First mate Pip struggled to maintain order as usual, venting his frustration oner the increasingly strange behavior of the passengers and crew, to Ms. Montgomery. To demonstrate his point, Pip attempted to prove Seaman Barry Gouzler had been stealing luggage, and produced a trunk full of evidence. Instead of finding stolen ladies clothing, Pip unknowingly uncovered the hiding place of missing ships physician, Dr. Aurora Borealis, who popped out of the trunk sporting a new"lesbian " haircut.

Just in time to help deal with the crisis, the doctor jumped right into performing the physicals ordered for all by the captain. Eager to settle the disputed gender of Ms. Poileedoppola, the captain and Guya were first to be examined. But for a lesbian, the good doctor seemed more interested in the captain's "log" than she was in Guya's anatomy.

The good Captain Frontle, still confused and intrigued by the possibility that his new found friend, cruise guest Guya Poileedoppola, may have "man parts", seeks the advice of ships entertainer Mister E. reassuring him that it's perfectly natural to be attracted to a potential "lady-boy", Mister E. agrees to include a special dedication to the couple in his 3:00 show, and offers to so anything he can to help the captain...anything at all...anything gay.

Instead Mister E. got drunk, professed his own love to Guya, and in a drunken haze, belted out unintelligible musical number and then destroyed the stage. Luckily he'll remember none of it as usual, suffering from self inflicted, drunken amnesia.

Seaman Barry Gouzler, rehired and now working for half the pay, found himself harboring a major grudge against first mate Pip. Though Mister E. suggested murder, a more simple solution was presented, when the captain voiced his admiration for Seaman Gouzler, sending Pip into a jealous rage. Resigning his post out of spite, Pip unwittingly cleared the way for Barry, who now has his sights set on the newly vacant position of First Mate.

Perhaps it was the salt in the air. Perhaps it was the liquor in their bellies. Perhaps sitting stagnant in quarantine, floating off the coast the elusive first port of St. George has driven the crew and passengers mad. One thing is for sure. Dark waters are ahead for...

CruiseBoat! Where everything happens, but nothing actually happens.



Episode #3

You won’t believe what happened on the last CruiseBoat!

Following the discovery of an unknown and probably un-pronounceable anyway, illness, the good ship CruiseBoat finds itself forced into quarantine, floating in the waters just off the coast of their illusive next port, ST. George.

With doctor Aurora Borealis away, and a potential health crisis looming, Mr.E puts his “Doctorate in Medicine from Oxford”, to good use and acts as temporary ship physician while nursing his ever present excruciating hang-over.

Following a playful frolic with perpetual cruiser Guya Poileedoppola, ‘Captain’ Chairman Frontle, opened up, revealing a long time search for a rare sea creature known as the “Cat-Fish”. Coincidently Ms. Maddison Montgomery has been informed that not only is she the only person apparently suffering from the effects of the mysterious illness plaguing CruiseBoat, but that only the medicinal qualities of the common catfish can save her from what Mr. E refered to as, “death.”

First mate Pip had his hands full as usual reminding Chairman Frontle how to “Captain” the boat, while trying to monitor the health situation, and tending to the reasonable request of ailing Ms. Montgomery, to have an escalator installed on the boat. Perhaps letting the pressure get to him, Pip fires Seaman Barry Gouzler, for innocently stealing the guests luggage, and wearing the female passengers’ clothing…poor Pip. Of course the level headed Captain and devoted Seaman worked it out over a meal and crafts, and Seaman Gouzler was rehired at a more than fair, half salary.

Super fan-atic, Ms Guya Poileedoppola, took in Mr. E’s 3:00 show as usual. But a close encounter in the bathroom after the show was where things got a little unusual. Doing a little “stand-up” act of her own, Guya does her business the man’s way at the urinal next to him, confusing and upsetting Mr. E. Taking his concerns to the Captain, Mr. E encourages some subtle investigating, to see if Guya is a…guya.

Full physicals of everyone on board are ordered, and should offer some answers, as well as a closer look at the passengers of…

CruiseBoat! Where everything happens, but nothing actually happens.


Episode #4

You won’t believe what happened on the last CruiseBoat!

While the threat of a viral outbreak still looms, and prevents CruiseBoat from docking at its intended port, the mysterious and subtle symptoms of the illness seem to be contained to only one passenger. Spoiled brat…I mean, graceful and charming new ship owner, Ms. Madison Montgomery.

Besides being the carrier of a fatal illness, Ms. Montgomery also celebrated a birthday! “Happy Birthday Ms. Montgomery”, could be heard…but it wasn’t, since nobody remembered. Although, thoughtful Captain Chairman Frontle did suggest to her that all of the ship’s problems would go away if she was to die…most certainly, happy birthday would have been more appreciated.

First mate Pip struggled to maintain order as usual, venting his frustration over the increasingly strange behavior of the passengers and crew, to Ms Montgomery. To demonstrate his point, Pip attempted to prove Seaman Barry Gouzler had been stealing luggage, and produced a trunk full of evidence. Instead of finding stolen ladies clothing, Pip unknowingly uncovered the hiding place of missing ship physician, Dr. Aurora Borealis, who popped out of the trunk sporting a new “lesbian” haircut.

Just in time to help deal with the crisis, the doctor jumped right in to performing the physicals ordered for all by the captain. Eager to settle the disputed gender of Ms. Poileedoppola, the captain and Guya were first to be examined. But for a lesbian, the good doctor seemed more interested in the captain’s “log” than she was in Guya’s anatomy.

The good Captain Frontle, still confused and intrigued by the possibility that his new found friend, cruise guest Guya Poileedoppola, may have “man parts”, seeks the advice of ship entertainer Mister E. Reassuring him that it’s perfectly natural to be attracted to a potential “lady-boy”, Mister E. agrees to include a special dedication to the couple in his 3:00 show, and offers to do anything he can to help the captain…anything at all…anything gay.

Instead, Mister E. got drunk, professed his own love to Guya, and in a drunken haze, belted out an unintelligible musical number and then destroyed the stage. Luckily, he’ll remember none of it as usual, suffering from self inflicted, drunken amnesia.

Seaman Barry Gouzler, rehired and now working for half pay, found himself harboring a major grudge against first mate Pip. Though Mister E. suggested murder, a more simple solution was presented, when the captain voiced his admiration for Seaman Gouzler, sending Pip into a jealous rage. Resigning his post out of spite, Pip unwittingly cleared the way for Barry, who now has his sights set on the newly vacant position of First Mate.

Perhaps it was the salt in the air. Perhaps it was the liquor in their bellies. Perhaps sitting stagnant in quarantine, floating off the coast the elusive first port of St. George has driven the crew and passengers mad. One thing is for sure. Dark waters are ahead for…

CruiseBoat! Where everything happens, but nothing actually happens


Episode #5.1

You won’t believe what happened on the last CruiseBoat!

Still in quarantine, bobbing ever so boringly off the coast of St. George, the crew and passengers of CruisBoat faced their darkest hour, literally.

As a thick fog engulfed the ship, Captain Frontle took the opportunity to reflect on the loss of his father to a ferocious Cat-Fish. Even through the thick mist, the Captain could clearly see the similarities between that fateful day, and the situation he now faced. With the sudden resignation of beloved friend and first mate Pip, he was left at sea, with no one to guide him, but his antique oversized compass, which he never realized was actually just a broken clock.


Below the eerie solitude of the main deck, the drama heated up. Having eaten the meat of catfish, and thus believing herself cured of the mysterious disease “Thingus”, Ms. Madison Montgomery expressed her relief to eccentric guest Guya Poileedoppola. The news that the boat could now port, did not inspire the reaction she expected, and Ms. Montgomery found herself locked in Guya’s manly choke hold. Fearing that her relationship with cruise entertainer Mister E. would suffer if they were to dock in St. George, Guya threatened to kill Madison if she told anyone she was cured.


Dr. Aurora Borealis, distracted by personal issues, found herself staring into the mystery of Guya Poileedoppola’s nether regions, but unable to perform the once fulfilling task of an intrusive physical examination. As Mister E. informed her that he had taken over as ship doctor, following her unexplained disappearance, things seemed to crumble for Aurora. After diagnosing herself as ‘hysterical’ she put herself under heavy sedation.


Mister E. continued to struggle with his place on board CruiseBoat. With his newly assumed position of ship doctor, he wondered if being a sub-par Elvis impersonator was really what he was meant to be. In a string of hasty, and alcohol inspired decisions, Mister E. passed his glasses and sideburns on to Seaman Barry Gouzler, injected Ms. Montgomery with a liquid he called “rat poison”, and jumped overboard. Backstroking through the cresting wake of CruiseBoat, he disappeared into the smoggy mist.


The feud between former first mate Pip, and Seaman Barry Gouzler hit it’s boiling point, leaving Pip no alternative but to leave his beloved CruiseBoat in the hands of newly appointed first mate Barry Gouzler. Pip jumped ship fading into the fog.

Also seen jumping ship Captin Chairman Frontle with Guya Poileedoppola in their own private dingy. The feuding continues on CruiseBoat. What do the winds have in store for…

CruiseBoat! Where everything happens, but nothing actually happens.


Episode #6

You won’t believe what happened on the last CruiseBoat!

After a number of weeks quarantined off the coast of St. George, much of cruise boat’s crew, abandoned ship, including Captain Fruntal, Mysterious Guest Guya Poileedoppola, and ship’s entertainer Mr. E.

First Mate Barry Gouzler, acting on feelings of self importance and general egoism appoints himself acting captain in Chairman Funtal’s absence. Ship’s owner Madison Montgomery, having already cured herself of the dubious disease ‘Fingus’ some time before insisted upon clearing quarantine to dock at St. George. Betraying her promise to Guya Pollydoppola concerning her disease, she revealed her cure to Doctor Aurora Borealis and swore her to silence.

After many months of hiding between the cinnamon and nutmeg in the ships pantry, burlap clad stowaway Titan decides to reveal himself. Wandering the ships halls he encountered Miss Maddison Montgomery, who was spinning into a cycle of drunken apathy in the absence of her doting attendant Pipsqueek Lazeruth. Initially mistaking Titan for the former first mate she discovered how much she loves Pippy, and how easily he could be replaced. Appointing Titan her new Pipsqueak, She promised the absent Pippy she would convince her father to make him captain once they got to St. George.

In Mr. E’s absence Barry, feeling lonely, confided in Dr. Borealis his two and a half year love affair with the eccentric Elvis emulator. Barry, realizing his love for Mr. E, was for the first time beginning to question his sexuality. In hearing this the good Doctor suddenly understood that there was more to being a lesbian than wearing men’s clothing and a short hair cut which helped her to look like the x-men’s ‘Rouge’. When forced to confront the issue by bizarre foreigner Titan, she realized that not only was she attracted to men but the picture of her ideal man was Barry Gouzler!

By sunset Cruiseboat had made it’s final docking in the beautiful Port of St. George. Acting Captain Gouzler, looking over the city which had once seemed so far away. Finding him alone on deck, Doctor Borealis could not keep her feelings bottled up. But her pledges of devotion were met with flat out rejection by the confused Seaman, for not only did his feelings for Mr. E complicate the matter but his devotion for his three wives and sixteen children also stood in their way. Barry insisted she take shore leave to clear her head and Aurora reluctantly obliged, though he could not stifle the flames in her heart.

Having reached his final destination the stowaway Titan slinked off into the shadows never to be seen or heard from again… or would he?! Only time will tell what destinations lie in the itinerary for…

CruiseBoat! Where everything happens, but nothing actually happens.


Episode #7

You won’t believe what happened on the last CruiseBoat!

With the quarantine finally over, CruiseBoat prepared to leave behind the troubled waters of St. George, and head for her new destination, The Banana Republic. Getting away proved almost as difficult as getting there, as Captain Frontle struggled to gather the fragmented crew.

Finding former first mate Pip enjoying some much needed R&R on land, the Captain managed to convince him to come back in the dingy and resume duties on the ship, putting aside their recent falling out. As they headed back to Cruise Boat, the Captain couldn’t help but feel like they were forgetting something…or someone.

Breaking the news to Seaman Gouzler, that Pip would be returning, proved to be trickier, and scarier than Captain Frontle had expected. It became clear that Barry’s new positions of First Mate, acting Captain, and ship entertainer had gone to his head, filling him with a lust for power and rage, which threatened to endanger all on board. Heading back to land, the Captain knew he must restore the crew before Barry takes over completely.

Mister E., dogpaddling nakedly, and helplessly following his jump overboard, had some time to consider his impending fate, and how it was that a once successful doctor and performer could end up floating in a polluted pool of his own… “relief”, having abandoned his career, his friends, and even attempting to murder ship owner Madison Montgomery…oh that’s right, he was a drunk. Sometimes hitting bottom can be just what one needs to see the light, and as Mister E found the shore of St. George, so too did Captain Frontle find him, and ask him to return to the spotlight, and help him deal with the “crazy Barry” thing. With a new found lease on life, and a need to make amends for his past wrongdoings, Mister E. agreed.

Dr. Aurora Borealis, realizing lesbianism involved more than just a short haircut, admitted that she was not entirely comfortable with diving into that “area”. Diving is for water…not muffs. Instead, her brief lez-perience only reaffirmed her penchant for Semen…I mean Seaman, Barry Gouzler. Her heartfelt serenade to Barry, seemed to go unheard, at least for the time being.

Ms. Madison Montgomery, having cheated death not once, but twice, found herself with something of a new take on life as well. Feeling betrayed by Pip for abandoning her, she made clear to her former friend that she had now turned her back on him, and voiced her praise for Barry Gouzler who had taken charge when everyone else cracked under the pressure of quarantine. That, coupled with her aggressive public display of affection for the Captain, drove Pip to lengths never though possible before.

In an overly elaborate, but nevertheless, successful trap rigged by Pip, Seaman Barry Gouzler fell victim to an unfortunate, and Looney Toonish injury. Slipping on a puddle of tomato juice, and lying helpless, Barry screamed, as a grand piano came crashing down, shattering his leg. Even Barry couldn’t help but hear the brief seconds of tertial harmony as middle “C” struck the ground, nicely complementing the poor Seaman, as he screamed a high “E”.

Leaving the turbulent waters of St. George behind, with sights now set on the yellowy sunsets of The Banana Republic, an unanswered question still remains. What happened to eccentric socialite Ms. Guya Poileedoppola?! Last seen rowing to shore with the Captain, no one has seen or heard from her since, and with St. George in the fading distance, they can only hope she somehow made it back on board…

CruiseBoat! Where everything happens, but nothing actually happens.


Episode #8

You won’t believe what happened on the last CruiseBoat!

With the intrepid crew back together again, and their sites set on the next port, the scent of optimism almost covered the smell of the leaking bulkhead. So, with a sludgy mix of fuel and oil spilling behind them, and the wonders of the Banana Republic ahead, Captain Chairman Frontle could barely contain his excitement.

Hoping to spread some of his enthusiasm, the good Captain took a break from spinning the wheel at the helm, to organize a fun game of Charades for everyone! Perhaps unfamiliar with how the game is played, the Captain garnered a rather indifferent response to his ability to mime ‘bouncing a ball’ which had already been announced as the answer by Pip, prior to starting. To be fair, Charades is a pretty crappy game anyway.

Following the game, relaxing with his book of exotic cats, the Chairman was disturbed to find his current favorite, the Hammerhead Persian, torn out. Seaman Barry Gouzler, still nursing a broken leg thanks to Pip, and bearing the shredded remnants, explained to Chairman that he found the violated feline in Pip’s quarters. On the Captain’s orders, Barry returned the evidence to Pip, who rather than come forward, stashed the ‘Chat’ered remains in the one place he knew the Captain wouldn’t go…down Madison Montgomery’s cleavage while she was sleeping. Or maybe he just thought, cats love milk.

Dr. Aurora Borealis, feeling her medical practice would benefit from a degree in medicine, continued her web-based education with surprising success, passing her most recent exam with the high mark of ‘winking emoticon’. With access to the ships computer, and personal email accounts, Dr. Aurora took her romantic obsession with Seaman Gouzler to a new level, erasing all incoming messages from Barry’s many wives and families, in an attempt to redirect his affection to her. She couldn’t help but feel the heat bubble over as the two shared a private encounter, as Barry relaxed his injured leg in the hot tub.

Madison Montgomery, following the advice of her on-line therapist, focused more on her own needs for a change. Converting a large portion of the ship to her own private quarters, Ms. Montgomery found the large empty room, ironically unfulfilling, although Pip was impressed it had a Starbucks. Making nice with Pip, Madison felt uplifted and celebrated by getting drunk and coming on to the Captain, who has yet to give in to her sloppy groping.

Mister E. seemed to be everywhere, popping up just in time to gather some rather juicy tid-bits on nearly everyone on board. Conspicuously posing as a statue in the garden, he scared the crap out of Ms. Montgomery. Unable to recall his attempting to murder her, given her boozy state, it seemed all was forgiven, as she passed out comfortably on his crotch. Normally a danger zone for unconscious women, Mister E. proved he had changed, and did not take advantage of the opportunity that had fallen in his lap. He did however steal her cell phone for purposes known only to him.

First mate Pip, shared the Captain’s excitement having CruiseBoat back in order, but still wondered about the unexplained disappearance of Ms. Guya Poileedoppola. Getting no answer from the Captain, he expressed his concern to Mister E. Unfortunately, Pip was unable to follow up on the mysterious whereabouts of Guya, having enjoyed a great number of new flavored jolly-ranchers, not knowing that they were actually prescription doses of Ritalin. His ho-hum attitude, was obvious as he casually mentioned that not only was the Banana Republic not an actual place, but that wherever they were headed, the Captain hadn’t thought to slow the boat down before reaching port. As they brace for a crash landing, a great many questions await to be answered for the passengers and crew of…

CruiseBoat! Where everything happens, but nothing actually happens.


Episode #9

You won’t believe what happened on the last CruiseBoat!

Leaving what was thought to be the “Banana Republic” in a rather hasty manor, the Captain profusely apologized to the passengers and crew for not only crashing into port on arrival, but also for leading them to an uncharted island inhabited by pirates, in the first place. That was a bad call.

Whether it was the frightening pirate encounter, the hazardous waste leaking from the bulkhead, or the countless other life threatening dangers that had plagued the journey thus far, Captain Frontle was pleased to find that his apology was not necessary, as all of the passengers had decided at some point to take the lifeboats, and abandon ship. But, while some hurried to get off the boat, one guest had finally made it back on.

Ms. Guya Poileedoppola recounted her tale of survival, after being separated from the Captain in St. George, and being taken hostage by the Mexican, fur-trading, pirates of the “Banana Republic”. Realizing Captain Frontle had not been receiving his mail, Guya produced her own ransom note confirming her story. Containing not only her captor’s demands, but also her left eye, which had been gouged out during the ordeal, the Captain found it hard to hold back his anger…and his throw up, as the greeny blue peeper stared back at him.

Mister E. worked on the details of his expensive new one man show, using Madison’s stolen cell phone to request $500,000 from her father, ship owner Mr. Montgomery. While he struggled to memorize the one word of dialogue for the show’s finale, he was surprised by the return of his former stalker Guya. She wasted no time in demanding an explanation for his rumored involvement with Madison Montgomery, and their relationship to the pirates who held her hostage, and used both of their names on more than one occasion. He responded with surprising marriage proposal, which was enthusiastically accepted!

Madison Montgomery, seemed suspiciously unsurprised to discover Guya’s return, and avoided Guya’s probing questions as to her suspected involvement. Instead she diverted the conversation to herself once again, boasting of her new found sobriety, and whining about her lack of friends and missing her daddy. She did seem rather concerned with the ship itself, specifically the damaged bulkhead, which she was informed by Barry, could not be repaired until they reach dry dock, still three weeks away.

Although unable to repair the boat, Seaman Gouzler did help the Captain heal first mate Pip, who was suffering the effects of a nasty Ritalin overdose. After confessing to Ms. Montgomery, that he’d like to ride her like a thanksgiving turkey…or was it donkey…Pip’s downward spiral finally reached rock bottom when the relatively tiny man threw a rather large tantrum, smashing and throwing everything in site like an obnoxious child, who coincidentally, could be prescribed Ritalin for that very behavior. With the help of Barry’s rousing sea shanty, old Pip managed to pull through, and return to his old self just in time to power clean the entire main deck.

Enjoying a snippet of Mr. E’s impressive new show, and a well deserved rest, the intrepid crew gazed at the horizon to their next destination, the Island of Cats. Wondering what lies ahead and hoping to leave what lies behind, a great many questions remain for…

CruiseBoat! Where everything happens, but nothing actually happens.


Episode #10

THE DRAIN PLUG

Where Scummers can catch what they missed!

You won’t believe what happened on the last CruiseBoat!

Trudging slowly through its own leaking filth, the good ship CruiseBoat remained steadily on course for the “Island of Cats”. As Captain Frontle futilely pushed buttons and spun his oversized wheel, trusty first mate Pipsqueak Lazaruth’s vigilant guidance, kept the wounded vessel on target, as the “directionally unreliable” stars moved through the night sky.

Speaking of seeing stars…with an uncomfortable wince, Pip became the first victim of Dr. Aurora’s new degree in veterinary medicine. Following a very thorough physical exam due to his recent Ritalin overdose, Pip was given a clean bill of health…which ironically left him feeling rather dirty. That feeling would later serve him well, in the quarters of Ms. Montgomery, where his healthy new vigor was put to the test. The fervent squelches of her unique sex noises, echoed through the ship’s hull and into the night air like that of a sludge tanker…being screwed mercilessly.

Returning from a secret mission for Ms. Madison Montgomery, it turned out Pip wasn’t the only thing Dr. Borealis had her hand in. In a candid washroom encounter with Ms. Guya Poileedoppola, Aurora confessed it was she who had paid the kidnapping ransom for Guya’s safe return from the Banana Republic. Though aiding in her return, Ms. Montgomery, as well as cruise entertainer Mr. E, remain suspiciously linked to the harrowing ordeal, which ended in the loss of Guya’s favorite eyeball, and permanent ocular disability...which on the upside will translate to some premo parking spots come shore leave.

Mr. E, knowing a thing or two about dealing with disability, showed his new fiancĂ© Guya, how to turn her pain into pleasure. With a little trick he called, “an eye-socket job”, the two shared an intimate moment while they discussed the details of their impending nuptials. Having already secured Barry as her best man, Guya was disappointed to find Mr. E. less prepared. Mr. E. couldn’t help but display signs of cold feet, as the enthusiastic bride to be pressured him for the specifics of the event. Mr. E. then took some time to focus on his upcoming show, only to find himself locked out of the theatre by the Captain, who was clearly upset as he cancelled the production due to lack of funds.

With a little time to ponder, Captain Frontle curiously speculated about their next destination, and what cats had managed to make of an entire island to themselves. Joining him on deck, Seaman Barry Gouzler took a rare opportunity to bond with the Captain, revealing he had once served with the Captain’s father many years prior. As they reminisced about the good old days, and stared out into the sea of “wet dreams” that lie ahead, Chairman wondered openly if he was respected as captain. Barry lied.

Shortly thereafter, Seaman Gouzler discussed with Ms. Montgomery, the Captain’s ability to command the ship. With a string of poor decisions, putting the crew and passengers in danger, Barry implied that the problems could be solved by having a stronger leader at the helm. Facing a dire financial situation due to the cost of repeatedly filling the leaking bulkhead with oil and fuel, Madison agreed, suggesting Pip as the man for the job, much to Barry’s dismay.

Using classic, fuzzy, “after-sex” judgment, Pip also jumped on-board the mutiny bandwagon, and along with Barry and Madison, coerced Dr. Aurora to sign a document declaring the Captain unfit for duty. The good doctor later expressed her regret for having betrayed the captain, heartily voicing her support for him, while sharply denouncing Ms. Montgomery in an inspiring rant that ended in her resignation as ship physician…or rather, veterinarian.

In an ugly and emotional confrontation, Mr. E, Barry, and Pip, carried out a mutiny. Removing Chairman’s captain hat, Pip relieved Chairman of his command and assumed the role himself. Pip then revealed that it was Barry, who had killed Chairman’s father, and not the half-cat, half-fish creature, the Chairman had long been hunting. And with that, Chairman Frontle was silent…but deadly…wafting his disgust at Pip, as he donned a new casual hat, and left Captain Pip in charge of…

CruiseBoat! Where everything happens, but nothing actually happens.